B: "Both Sides Now"- Joni Mitchell

January 29, 2017

B: “Both Sides Now”- Joni Mitchell

When you're a kid, the world is color, sound, joy, music, energy, ice cream castles in the air, feather canyons everywhere.

Eventually, maturity clouds our naive bliss. Nothing is simple. Growing up is certainly not for the faint of heart, and it took the eternal wisdom of Joni Mitchell to help me understand this.

“Both Sides Now” found me at a time when life’s illusions began to erode my childhood innocence. I had known the song in passing from Judy Collins’s equally lovely rendition as a youngster, but I never truly listened to what it was trying to tell me until some time later. For me, "Both Sides Now" was/is a coming out anthem. Joni's masterpiece is unique in its self-discovery message. Finding yourself doesn't always mean things become clearer.

Coming out was not as liberating an experience as it is (and in theory should be) for many others. I was a ripe old 22 when I allowed myself to even acknowledge that I had a sexuality. When it was clear that gay was the way, reality was no longer avoidable. The story’s been told a million times before. My family took it just fine.

In a peculiar twist, my friends were generally terrible about it (not all, of course, but many). Granted, you can freely choose and lose your friends. Still, it’s difficult to experience those you’ve confided in so deeply betray my trust through a long spell of outing me to strangers, endless AIDS remarks, gaslighting, and a variety of other, far more damaging physical and psychological offenses that simply aren’t worth discussing here. I struggled, and still do, to find value in friendship and relationships, but that’s between my shrink and I. Joni got me through all that.

During that time, the last two verses of "Both Sides Now" put me in a chokehold. I'd looked at love from both sides now. Old friends said I'd changed. Something was lost, but something was gained. I remember nights of laying on the floor, looping this song ad infinitum, and absorbing the velvet of Joni’s voice, which took me by the hand and guided through rough terrain. Her uncanny ability to reach into my brain, siphon my emotions, reassemble them and express them in words I couldn’t formulate allowed me to decipher those feelings, and more importantly, accept them. Still, having come out, I didn't necessarily feel better or more fulfilled. I was, in fact, riddled with greater fear and doubt. 

I still knew it was right.

I've looked at clouds from both sides now.
Look up at the sky that Joni refers to often in the song. The intricacies of the world below reflect in the clouds and sun, the tensions between light and dark, the occasional luminescence. Both sides, up and down, Earth and sky, are complicated beyond binaries and comprehension and resolution. Pain is complex. Desire is complex. Joy is complex. Biology is complex. Simplicity is one of life's illusions. The uncertainties of the world give us balance.

There's a tender hopefulness in Joni's voice as she sings "I really don’t know life at all".

Maybe it’s better if we don't.

- Josh

BOTH SIDES NOW

Rows and flows of angel hair 
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done 
But clouds got in my way

I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down and still somehow
It's cloud's illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and ferries wheels 
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real 
I've looked at love that way 

But now it's just another show 
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know 
Don't give yourself away 

I've looked at love from both sides now 
From give and take and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all